Monday, December 17, 2012

A Different Christmas

My blog is not unlike many others in that it's nature aims to highlight the best of times, in personal accounts of my life as a mother. The crafts, and the parties and the events that make us happy, as a family. Projects we are inspired by. Days and moments we are proud of. The news this past Friday however is far too awful to simply overlook here in a space that celebrates watching children grow and evolve, and carrying a heartache so real it feels as if I've lost someone in my own circle. A tragedy so cruel, it seems unfathomable for us to try and process as adults, let alone begin to explain to our own children, especially when the faces asking are exactly the same age as those who suffered so brutally.

I walked into Arlo's school Friday afternoon completely unknowing of the events that had been unfolding in Connecticut at Sandy Hook Elementary school that morning. I had enjoyed the hours to myself after dropping my younger boys off with Grandma, finishing up some Christmas shopping and listening to records instead of the news while I cleaned up.

Rushing in with a basket full of cupcakes to share with kids for their school party, I noticed the flag lowered at half staff. I asked the woman at the front desk about it as I signed in, and felt the wind knocked out of me when I heard the news.

That day we as parents and teachers, hid tears as we scooped hot chocolate, handed out cookies and sang Christmas songs with the kids. They were all in pajamas, first graders with missing teeth, full of hugs and so excited about the Holiday and the party at hand. I will always remember that day, that party, those hours. Feeling the weight of new sadness growing heavier in spite of such sweet celebrations. Even now, our tree at home appears suddenly limp and dipped in sorrow, our records sound bleak and the weather depressing. There are no words to put around it, no ideal explanation to deliver to our kids wondering about the facts. Everything about what transpired at that school in those few minutes makes us feel downright helpless and small. Even grown up, we are terrified by the reality of such evil. Things are different. Christmas this year is different. We are all very sad.
And that's ok.

So we hold our children tighter and mourn those that are no longer with us.

16 comments:

  1. With you, sister. So thankful for today.

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  2. I hear you. Truth of a different Christmas felt from way far away too. Awful most tragic heartbreaking news. hold tight.

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  3. so heartbroken. i was so thankful that friday was the last day of school before break so that i wouldn't have to face it today. so glad to just have the kids home with me... xo

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  5. This is beautifully written. It's all so heart-breaking. I can't even imagine what those parents are going through.

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  6. The way you describe it, your experience hearing the news in the school, with all those sweet faces surrounding you, oh god the heart it cannot hold. i never thought i could feel more deeply, feel love and sadness and joy and terror more fully, but it's true. now that i am a mother it is all too present and so vivid and nearly unbearable. i've honestly had a hard time going about normal tasks these last fews days, and had to opt out of a few social things just feeling the need to cuddle my baby at home and be safe and warm.i have never wanted to live in fear and all i can do is continue to believe the world is a good place, but this darkness, this time, oh how it haunts. thank you for your words and your beautiful way of describing the pain that we all share in these unthinkable times.

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