21 Things I am Guilty Of

This month so far. 

1. Feeding the dog canned tuna three days in a row because I was too lazy to drive 2 miles to the grocery store to buy him the 7$ food he hates. For the record though, it seemed to have made him love me even a little more than he did before. Which is slightly disturbing if you know him, and how he feels about me as is.

2. Wearing the same dress to lunch that I woke up in. Again.

3. Silently admitting to myself that I could really live on toasted (buttered) sourdough but reminding myself that's it not the healthiest choice. But then considering how great it would be. If sourdough were acceptable as a grown up meal three times a day.

4. Making myself said toast for breakfast and forgetting to eat it once it had popped, at least four mornings out of the week, in spite of my dire love of it.

5.  Getting four second news updates from Snapchat :(

6. Writing the tooth fairy a very expressive note (for Rex) demanding payment after she overlooked 3 straight days of tooth rewarding because she was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open through dinner and is very bad about carrying cold hard cash, and credit can't be stashed under pillows. And kids in summer take a long time to fall asleep. And sometimes she does before they do. Good news is, it worked.

7. Accepting friend requests from people I don't know based on the quality of their food post sharings while browsing when hungry.

8. Moving piles of laundry around the house so many times I wanted to slap myself when I stopped to consider all the effort it takes to relocate all that I could have put away in the same amount of time.

9. Writing my house cleaner happy notes with smiley faces because she truly intimidates me. And I am forever sorry for the state my bathrooms the two times a month that she's here to mend them.

10. Hiding in my car, in my drive way, in pajamas, to take conference calls.

11. Attending a social media event, being surrounded by a throng of famed tween You Tube stars, and feeling older than I have possibly ever have before.

12. Burning a dozen boxed muffins and eating them anyway.

13. Reading about the .30 drink increase headed to Starbucks next month, and feeling utterly disgusted about it. Then driving myself to buy an iced coffee an hour later, swearing it was my last. Or one very close to it anyway.

14. Regretting the oversized pajamas I choose as suitable drive through attire after the pretty browed barista introduced herself as a "new follower" who only realized it was me after seeing us in one of Mike's old "cool" cars. Because in my solo (filterless) state it's another story. In which I vowed to actually put on clothes on the rest of those rare occasions that I do treat myself to the grossly overpriced lattes that I really won't stand behind any longer.

15. Listening to the same five songs for five days straight. Because my kids are still too young to know it's not normal.

16. Pretending to love Finding Dori. Even clapping hardily at the end of the credit roll. Because when I say I don't like kid movies, I mean it. But I've learned it's best to keep certain things to myself.

17. Being annoyed by 90% of the people I follow on snapchat. And still basically wasting a stupid amount of my day watching people I've never met, shamelessly annoying me.

18. Throwing an Ikea box against the wall in a dramatic surge of fury after proclaiming in front of my two man audience that I am just as capable as their father at putting Sweedish plywood together with the one handy tool provided. Proving to us all that in fact I am not.

19. Telling Rex, during a mid day quarrel that I have eyes in the back of my head and feeling oddly empowered by him believing it.

20. Finding slight satisfaction after reading my horoscope out of sheer boredom and then matching it with an ex boyfreind's who's apparent streak of misfortune in the stock market is lingering on the horizon.

21. Falling asleep as I type this.