It took me birthing four children to finally see my body indefinitely altered by it. Having previously taken for granted the ease with which my weight seemed to drop away and my waist shrink back close to where it began before kids, every time, except the fourth. The babe I grew proud as the rest who left proof of his glorious arrival in everything from the loose skin that now sags around the width of my stomach, to the extra pounds that stuck around long after the fact of his easy birth. Leaving me weighed by new insecurities I know I don't cary alone. Feelings of self doubt, and defeat, that kind of change comes to ignite. Simply because I don't like the way my jeans fit anymore. And I don't feel comfortable in a two piece like I did for so many years before. As much as I tell myself it's a trite issue to lend much mind to, it still gets me down more than I wish it I would allow to. And yet some days it seems to feed itself
On that topic, in case you missed it, Luana wrote something spectacular about embracing the natural unraveling of time that comes to settle in body, face and experience. She said before that she didn't have the urge to write the way she does until after she had children and I thank God - when I read her prose - that the will came then, rather than never at all. She is a stunning storyteller and the essay is not the kind you pass up. Read it, pass it along. To everyone you know could use it. And then raise a glass to your graying hair, crows feet and happy, healthy sagging skin that brought the great gift of these wild children that keep us earning these wrinkles. Day in and day out.
For better and for worse.
Big love x
ReplyDeleteThis hits home this morning. Especially since last night my kids came running to me after looking through old photo albums asking, "Mama, did you used to wear a bikini?" and then ran off giggling. And I thought, have I never worn a bikini in front of my children? To show them that I am confident despite the changes of age? We are all in this together. XO.
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DeleteDefinitely needed this today! On a family vacation this week at the beach and my daughter (7) is staring at my belly. What are you looking at? I asked her- "your tummy, it looks...funny, different". She wasn't being unkind, it was rather a thoughtful comment. Like you, my fourth child (2 years old now) definitely altered my body with far more lasting effects than the others. That, combined with my own age (39) creates a rotating dialogue in my head between the voice of the proud to have made these people with my body mother!! and the still a little vain almost forty year old wishing I could look hot in a bikini one. More. Time. <3
ReplyDeletelike Cassie says, we're all in it together. xo
DeleteFor me it's frustration at not even knowing how to dress my body anymore. I don't mind when I'm out with my kids, I feel like their presence explains my physicality, but alone I feel a sort of disbelief at the state of me, and like I've let myself down somehow. There's no returning to close to original after carrying twins (my second and third children) to 38 weeks, 7pounds4 each, and a cesarean to boot, though I am so relieved they were born big enough and healthy. And I think the intensity of the early years steals time from processing what's happened, so there's a huge lag in my head between where I was and accepting where I am. Love this blog and the ma books, so refreshing xx
ReplyDeleteFor me it's frustration at not even knowing how to dress my body anymore. I don't mind when I'm out with my kids, I feel like their presence explains my physicality, but alone I feel a sort of disbelief at the state of me, and like I've let myself down somehow. There's no returning to close to original after carrying twins (my second and third children) to 38 weeks, 7pounds4 each, and a cesarean to boot, though I am so relieved they were born big enough and healthy. And I think the intensity of the early years steals time from processing what's happened, so there's a huge lag in my head between where I was and accepting where I am. Love this blog and the ma books, so refreshing xx
ReplyDeleteI've sort of decided I've got until I'm 45 to be "hot" before becoming "a woman who looks good for her age" - definitely having a midlife crisis and longing for mid twenties to rock all the free people/ urban outfitter looks that didn't really exist on the high street back then! It's silly isn't it? And not the most important thing by a long mile but feeling healthy and happy in your skin really helps everything - I love my french girlfriends who see being hot/looking good as a totally normal part of being a woman, almost like self care - I don't necesarily agree with it all but in some ways it seems simpler just it being totally normal to work really hard at looking "your best" rather than saying it's not important but not really feeling the same as what you are saying philosophy aside. Thanks for this post - always giving room for thought x
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